The Middle of the Battle

In my first post I shared more about the start of my battle with body image. I want to discuss more of the middle portion of my battle since that is where a lot of the damage was done. I want to make it clear to whoever reads this that I don't regret any battles I went through. Each battle has made me the woman I am today. I love who I am and wouldn't take back those moments in my life that helped me grow. Here it is:

The beginning of my battle went through my elementary years. I didn't realize that the hardest part of my battle was about to begin. In Junior High all my friends started wearing make up and there was no way I was going to wear make up.  I remember thinking to myself how crazy they were and why did we need to start putting make up on to look pretty? Luckily for me I had an amazing mom who told me I didn't need to wear make up until I was ready. Well my last year of Junior High I decided I was ready. Then I noticed I started becoming concerned with how certain boys thought of me. This lead me to realizing I wasn't as skinny as my friends. The guys that I ended up having crushes on and wanting to date wouldn't even look my way. This thought continued to plague me until I thought if I could just lose a few pounds I would start getting the dates I wanted. When I hit highschool I became more in shape and started to run. I started getting the body I always wanted but still the guys I liked weren't looking my way. I would go on awkward dates and wonder what was wrong with me. There were very few times when a guy I  liked would flirt back or give me the time of day. Then my senior year I was having a conversation with one of my friends and he told me that the reason why the guys I wanted weren't asking me out is because I wasn't easy. They knew they couldn't get me to kiss them after the first date. That's when more negative thoughts started. I thought well do I need to lower my standards to get the guy I want?! No! Every day my head was filled with terrible thoughts about myself, my standards and that I wasn't worth it to anybody. I did have amazing friends in highschool and that I met at EFY that filled my thoughts with positive things about myself. That just made my mind work harder. One friend in particular became one of my best friends. He complimented me all the time and helped me see how worth it I was.

After highschool my bishop "kicked me out"of the home ward and had me start going to the singles ward. I started to gain confidence as guys I always wanted to ask me out started asking me out. I started getting invited to parties. I was on top of the world. Little did I know I wasn't going to be there long. As soon as I started gaining confidence, friends and liking myself someone was put into my life to destroy that. I won't go into details but after that experience with a certain person the negative thoughts got ten times worse. I thought how could anyone love me now?! I was so isolated and felt so alone. It didn't matter how much my family told me they loved me because my mind would work extra hard to tell me it was a lie.  That was and still is my story. I know it sounds crazy I mean I am married to an amazing man and on the outside have a perfect life. I am here to tell you my life is not perfect. I work every day to battle negative thoughts. I work on loving myself every day.

There is not going to be a post about the end of the battle because my battle continues every day. My biggest fear of getting pregnant was that would start the negative thoughts about my body again. I have worked so hard to be positive about how I look I couldn't imagine what a changing body would do to me. When I found out I was pregnant I didn't know how I would handle it. I can tell you that because of the tools I have I love who I am and my body. Don't get me wrong there are rough days! These rough days don't define me and they are few because of my tools. I am starting to change my story. My story for years has been nobody loves me because I am not worth loving. That may be hard for some of you to hear and I want you to know it isn't anyone's fault. No one could have done anything differently. I want to share my story because I know there are more women out there that feel this way. That wonder how to stop the negative thoughts. That's why I want to share my story. That's why I want to start a blog and be a motivational speaker because I want more people to know they are not alone.

The Beginning of a Battle

As a woman, I have had negative thoughts about my body (I am sure I am not alone). I know that there are some women who have heard people tell them that they were fat. These things happened to me. In this blog, I will share the battles I faced with a negative body image and show how I conquered them. I hope that my battles can help women start loving themselves. I hope men read this and learn how to treat women in their lives.

The first battle began as a 6-year-old.  My brother first pointed out that my tummy was rounder than most little girls. He would point out this “flaw” by poking me in the stomach and calling me the “Pillsbury Doughboy.” 

To him, this was harmless teasing, but to me it was hurtful. This teasing made me wonder why my stomach was so big.

My second battle began in grade school. I was 8 when one of my “friends” put her fingers around my wrist to see if I was “fat” or  “skinny.” When her fingers didn’t make it around my wrist, her verdict was “fat.” This was the first time I heard the label “fat."

After that, things only became worse. At a physical when I was 11, the doctor told my mom he was concerned with my weight. He recommended an appointment with a dietitian, but the recommendations only meant that I became more obsessed with my stomach.

My battles continued for 10 years. I won these battles by realizing that the term "fat" is nothing more than a demeaning term used by society to tell women they can't amount to anything. This realization helped me start to see myself as not "fat." I started to appreciate my body and everything it did for me. I started to view my body size in a more positive light. It was during this time that I started to discover tools to change my negative thoughts towards my body.

This isn’t the end to my story; it’s just the beginning. In this blog, I will share my coping tools with girls and women to prepare them to combat negative body image! If you like this story and you want to find out the tools that could help you or a friend, stay tuned.